


Backstage [+podfic]

by picascribit



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Acting, Alcohol, Alternate Universe - Crack, Characters Are in Fandom, Characters Discussing Canon, Characters Discussing Fanfic Tropes, Characters Reading Fanfic, Crack, F/M, Humor, Karaoke, M/M, Mary Sue, Meta, Metafiction, Multi, Music, Podfic, Podfic Length: 45-60 Minutes, Shipping, Theatre, Tropes, Weasleys' Wizard Wheezes, Werewolves
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2004-09-03
Updated: 2006-11-01
Packaged: 2017-12-27 12:22:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,227
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/978819
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/picascribit/pseuds/picascribit
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What do the Potterverse characters get up to when they're not "acting" in canon or fanfic? Come visit Remus Lupin's dressing room, sing karaoke with Voldemort and the giant squid, and debate canon vs fanon with Remus and Sirius.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Dressing Room

**Author's Note:**

> Edited May 2014
> 
>  **Podfic:**  
>  **Chapters:** 3  
>  **Duration:** 53 min  
>  **Size:** 48 MB  
>  **Download:** [.zip file of mp3s @ Dropbox](https://www.dropbox.com/s/8mgva39ikgdb1dz/Backstage.zip)  
> 

Eleven-year-old Remus Lupin sighed and put his hand on the door marked with a star and the initials R.L., reluctant to give it the final push. This was always his least favourite part of a gig, and today would be worse than usual. Someone bumped into him from behind, pushing him forwards and forcing the door open. 

"Watch where you're going!" he snarled at the large, hairy creature behind him. 

"Get a move on, kid!" the werewolf growled back, baring its teeth. 

Steeling himself, Remus stepped inside the brightly-lit, bustling room. A few of its occupants greeted him warmly -- and the wolf behind him with grudging acknowledgement -- but many of them did not look up from the curling pages of their scripts at all. 

The room was large and circular, interspersed mirrors and wooden doors running its circumference. In front of each mirror was a chair with a different name written across the back. Some were occupied, but many were empty. Powder compacts, bottles of foundation, eyeliner pencils, and various bits of costuming were liberally strewn over every surface. 

"Hi, everyone," the boy said without enthusiasm, perching himself awkwardly on the chair marked "First Year Remus". It was his first time sitting in this chair. He glanced across the room to the empty "Pre-Hogwarts Remus" chair, which had been his before today, wondering how he would feel about his replacement. 

"Hello, lad." The kindly, middle-aged man to his left gave him a sad smile, carefully setting down the script he was reading on top of a large photo album. "Are you well?" 

He was the eldest of the Remuses present, and his chair was labeled "Post-OotP Remus". First Year Remus did not know what that meant, nor why the man looked so sad. One of the first lessons he had learned, though, was not to ask questions about his older selves; the answer was invariably, "you'll find out one day," accompanied by anything from a cheeky smile to a broken-hearted sigh. 

Young Remus swallowed his questions and gave his older self a shrug. "OK, I guess. Some girl is writing a fic about me." His nose wrinkled delicately at the word _girl_. Remus was still young enough to be unsure how he felt about them. "Today's my first school scene. The script said something about making new friends, but I don't see how anyone could want to be friends with someone like me." Unconsciously, he rubbed at his leg, where his shabby school trousers concealed the scar of a large bite mark. 

The older man gave him a sympathetic look. "Congratulations on starting school, lad. The next few years should be a very exciting time for you." 

"New friends?" a gangly teenager butted in. His light brown hair was long enough that he had to push it out of his eyes. "That'll be Sirius and James and Peter. They're brilliant. You'll love them." 

A number of the men in the room stiffened at the mention of these names. " _Shhh_ , spoilers!" someone hissed, but the two young Remuses barely noticed. 

"I'll really make friends?" asked First Year Remus, awed. 

"Oh, yeah," the teenager straddled his "Sixth Year Remus" chair, a school robe with a prefect's badge pinned to it slung carelessly over his shoulder. "They're the best. Especially Sirius." He grinned mischievously. 

The young man sitting next to him -- Post-Hogwarts Remus -- punched the teenage boy in the shoulder. "Hush! Don't spoil it for him. You know we're not allowed." 

"It's not so much a spoiler as a warning," said Lost Years Remus darkly from across the room. He appeared to be in his mid-twenties. "If he's about to meet Sirius Black --" 

"Sirius Black!" snorted another teenage boy -- Straight Remus -- loudly. "All this lot ever seems to talk about is Sirius Black! I mean, all right, he's a good mate, but honestly! Listen to me, lad; you don't want to turn out like them. They all end up a lot of sad old poofs." 

Sixth Year Remus shook his head. "Don't pay him any mind. He's just bitter because he's stuck with that MarySue Muggleborn girlfriend, or whatever her name is." He patted First Year Remus's hand. "Trust me; you don't want to turn into him. Classic closet case. Our way is much more fun." 

Post-Hogwarts Remus nodded in agreement. "Just go out there and get to know those boys," he said with a wink. "And don't worry too much about the future; it will happen naturally in its own time." 

First Year Remus nodded uncertainly, but he did not really understand what the older Remuses were talking about. 

"Oh, yes!" another Remus, about the same age as Post-Hogwarts Remus, leered at him from across the crowded room. Glittery makeup sparkled around his eyes. "Do what feels _natural_. I know what comes naturally to me when I see the _divine_ Sirius. You know what he's simply _faaaaahbulous_ at?" 

Post-Hogwarts Remus elbowed him sharply. "Shut up, Camp Remus," he said, rolling his eyes. "Honestly, the girls who write you could stand to learn a thing or two about gay men." 

"It's _Glam_ Remus, actually, and there's nothing wrong with the way they write me," said the glitter-eyed Remus in a huffy tone, taking a crumpled cigarette out of the pocket of his tight satin flares and dangling it from limp fingers. "I just choose to express my sexuality in a less yawn-worthy fashion than the rest of you boring tossers." 

Post-Hogwarts Remus tilted his head in acknowledgement. "Fair enough, but you shouldn't smoke. You're a bad influence on our young counterparts." 

Glam Remus stuck out his tongue and lit up. "I _can't_ influence them," he objected, melodramatically blowing out a cloud of smoke. "None of us can. He'll either turn into me, or be all stodgy and middle-aged before his time, like you. It's predestined. It's written. There's nothing we can do about it." He waved his hand in a fluttery dismissive gesture. 

Post-Hogwarts Remus glared at him before turning back to the boys. "Ignore him. Turning into that drama queen is almost as bad as turning into Closet Case over there. Though I'm not entirely convinced the one _won't_ become the other," he added thoughtfully. 

"Give that one a couple years," smirked Glam Remus. "He'll give new meaning to the term 'flaming'." He leered at Straight Remus's hunched shoulders. "I'm off to spy on the Sirius dressing room. Anyone coming with?" 

Looks of longing appeared on the faces of a few older Remuses. Sixth Year Remus looked as if he might be up for the caper, but then he sighed and shook his head. "I wish I could, but I'm on in ten, and I can't be late for this." He waved a sheaf of papers. "Anyway, the Siriuses don't get on half so well as we do. They fight like cats in a sack." 

"What's your gig?" asked First Year Remus, curious about what sort of fics he would be playing in, five years hence. 

Sixth Year Remus blushed, but could not hide a smile. "It's -- er -- a romantic story." 

"Let me see that!" Glam Remus snatched the script out of his hand. " _Oooh!_ " he squealed. "It's a 'first time' fic! I _love_ these!" He thumbed through the pages. "Though she does use the word 'throbbing' a bit much for my tastes. Listen to this --" He struck a dramatic pose. 

" _His eyes burned with passion unspoken, but the throbbing bulge in his trousers spoke volumes. He stripped, proudly displaying the first hint of chest hair. 'Oh, Baby -- '_ " 

He raised an elegantly-plucked eyebrow critically over the top of the page. "'Oh, Baby?' Since when do we refer to _anyone_ as 'Baby', except maybe in the context of 'don't be such a baby; it's not that big'? Do you even _have_ any chest hair, Dahling?" 

"Why d'you think I came in to makeup so early?" muttered Sixth Year Remus, blushing. "Give me back my script; it's not fit for Little Moony." 

"Who?" asked First Year Remus, confused. 

"It's not fit for _anyone_." Glam Remus sighed tragically. "I swear; the quality of fanfic today! Anyway, off I go to get a peep of Messrs Tall-Dark-and-Sexy. TTFN, ladies!" He waved gaily and exited the room. 

When he had gone, A man in his mid-thirties, called Reunited Remus, gave a sigh of relief. "He makes me tired just watching him, the way he flits about the place." 

"Everything makes you tired, Old Man," teased Sixth Year Remus. "When was the last time you had any fun?" 

Reunited Remus gave the teenager a quelling look. "I was about to suggest we hold a karaoke night, but if you think I'm no fun, maybe you're not interested." 

"What's 'carry-oaky'?" asked Post-Hogwarts Remus. 

Reunited Remus set down his script. "It's something Sirius and I picked up on holiday in the Caribbean." 

"It's a sort of Muggle music game," said Sixth Year Remus. "You were on a gig the last time we did it. There's a machine that plays songs, only without the words, and you sing them yourself." 

"How do you win?" asked Post-Hogwarts Remus, puzzled. 

"It's not that kind of game," Sixth Year Remus explained. "I suppose you could have judges, and make it a contest, but it's more fun when people do it badly." 

Post-Hogwarts Remus considered this. "That actually does sound like fun. Were you thinking of doing it tonight?" 

Reunited Remus nodded, putting away his makeup. "Enough of us are off tonight. It's a holiday weekend, so hardly anyone is writing fanfic. If someone's not busy, they could ask around down the corridor to see if any of the others want to join in." 

"Join in what?" asked Post-OotP Remus, glancing up from the script he had become thoroughly absorbed in. 

"These blokes want to play a Muggle music game called karaoke tonight," Post-Hogwarts Remus replied. 

Post-OotP Remus groaned. "Not that again! You remember what happened last time. Mr Camper-Than-a-Row-of-Pink-Tents stole the mic and wouldn't let anyone else have a go. He sang almost every Queen song in existence." 

"Well, he wasn't that bad," said Reunited Remus fairly. "Anyway, you'll notice that I'm suggesting this while he's not here. You'll all have your chance in the spotlight this time. So, who's in?" 

"Will you lot keep it down over there?" growled Werewolf Remus. "How's a bloke supposed to memorise his lines amidst such carryings on?" 

"What are you talking about?" said Sixth Year Remus. "You never have any lines. You're a sodding _werewolf_ , for Merlin's sake!" 

"Well, in this, I have," the wolf replied primly, indicating a much-rumpled script marred by muddy paw prints, "and I want to memorise them. Also, has anyone seen my snout powder? It's gone missing again. I simply loathe it when my nose goes all shiny." 

"You're sitting on it," said Post-Hogwarts Remus, shaking his head in disgust. "I swear; dogs never look before they sit down. To think I have to be anything like him once a month!" 

"Thank you," said the werewolf coldly, dignity somewhat impaired as it fished about under its plumed tail for the powder puff and compact. 

Even after a liberal application of dark powder to its nose, First Year Remus could see no difference, but the grey beast nodded at its reflection in satisfaction, and went to one of the many doors that ringed the room. First Year Remus thought the label "Shrieking Shack" on the door sounded somewhat ominous, but refrained from commenting. If there was a door for it, he would probably end up there, sooner or later. 

"Wish me luck, lads," said the wolf, placing a paw on the doorknob. 

Grudging calls of "luck," from its fellow Remuses followed it through the door. The room beyond was dim, dusty, and littered with broken furniture. A chilly draught accompanied the closing of the door. First Year Remus shivered. He did not much like the look of the place. 

"Cheer up, lad," said Reunited Remus. "It's not all doom and gloom. There will be good times, too." 

Lost Years Remus and a Remus called Professor Lupin exchanged an incredulous look. Lost Years Remus immediately turned his bitter eyes downwards, glaring at his collection of eye shadows, but Professor Lupin looked thoughtful. 

"Oh, yes! Lots of good times," agreed Post-Hogwarts Remus. "And lots of hot se -- that is, you'll fall in love," he amended hastily. He and Reunited Remus exchanged knowing smiles. 

"Yes, it was wonderful," sighed Post-OotP Remus. "There was certainly enough joy to counter the sorrow. But such extremes! It was hardly to be endured." 

"Hush," said Reunited Remus. "You'll spoil the ending for all of us. What are you here for today, anyway?" 

"Nostalgia fic. Bonding with Harry. Heavy on the reminiscing." He patted the photo album. "You know; the usual." 

"Who's Harry?" asked First Year Remus. 

The eldest Remus smiled a little sadly. "One thing at a time, lad. You haven't even met James yet." 

"Oh," said the youngest Remus. He was growing tired of the "wait until you're older" line. "Right. Well, I guess I'd better be off, then." 

He took one last look at his script, and then set it carefully down on his chair before heading to the door labeled "Hogwarts Express". As he opened the door, the sound of a train rushing along its tracks filled the room, and the English countryside could be seen streaming past in the distance. 

The other Remuses fell silent as they watched the young boy step through the door to meet his destiny. 

When the door had closed behind him, cutting off the sound of the rails, Post-Hogwarts Remus turned to Sixth Year Remus and said, "How long do you think it will take him to figure it out?" 

"That's sort of up to the fangirls, isn't it?" said Sixth Year Remus. 

"Well, you know, it is and it isn't," said Post-Hogwarts Remus. "Sometimes I feel as if I can reach out and touch their thoughts -- pull the threads of the story to my liking. Not the overall plot, of course, but I can usually get them to give me a scene or two, or nudge them in the right direction, if I whisper to them what I want. So, how long? Five galleons says he's one of the quick ones. I'll bet he knows by third year." 

"You're taking the piss! Fifth year at the outside," Sixth Year Remus scoffed. "It took you even longer than that." 

"Yes, but I have a feeling about this one, and I'm looking to make some money," said Post-Hogwarts Remus. 

"You still owe me for Closet Case over there. I said he'd take even longer than you did." 

"Well, he hasn't made it quite that far yet, has he?" 

"Wait and see," said Sixth Year Remus. "After all, it's not up to us to guess the endings."


	2. Karaoke Night

Reunited Remus smiled as he surveyed the Great Hall from his place on the dais, which had been converted into a stage for the evening, the Hogwarts staff table temporarily pushed up against the wall. There was a much better turnout tonight than he had anticipated, especially on such short notice. 

"Welcome to karaoke night," he said. "I know we had a few problems last time, but hopefully, in the absence of my flamboyant counterpart, tonight will go a bit more smoothly." _Not that there aren't a number of potential drama queens here,_ he added silently. "I believe we have some volunteers for tonight's opening number?" 

Four teenagers bounded up onto the stage. Reunited Remus handed the mic off to them and retired to the near end of the Gryffindor table, where Reunited Sirius, two other Remuses, and a glowering Hermione sat. 

"Evening, everyone!" Sixth Year James flashed his Quidditch Captain grin around the room, running a hand through his messy black hair. "The Marauders and I would like to kick off tonight's festivities with a solemn dirge, full of portent and gravitas." He twiddled his wand at the karaoke machine, and a bouncy rock riff filled the air. 

  
_Joy to the world!_   
_All the boys and girls!_   
_Joy to the fishes in the deep blue sea!_   
_Joy to you and me!_   


Sixth Year James and Sirius pranced across the stage like rock stars. Sixth Year Lily watched them with arms folded, looking unimpressed, but the three Remuses -- Reunited Remus, Lost Years Remus, and Post-OotP Remus -- all sighed at the sight of the grinning, hip-wiggling teenage Sirius. 

Reunited Sirius squeezed Reunited Remus's hand, grinning wickedly. "I was awfully pretty, wasn't I?" 

"Yes," Reunited Remus replied. "You were. You're not bad now, either." 

He leaned in to kiss his Sirius, while the other two Remuses were busy watching the antics on stage. The Hermione sitting nearby gave them a withering look. 

"Thank you!" Sixth Year James called to the applause and whistles of his friends as the song ended. 

Before Reunited Remus could reclaim the mic, however, the young Marauders launched into a swaying, arm-linked version of Queen's _We Are the Champions_. Seeing his younger self so happy and surrounded by his friends, it was impossible for Reunited Remus to be annoyed. 

James handed the mic off to Sixth Year Lily with good grace at the end of the song. "Going to serenade me, Red?" he grinned. 

Her eyes narrowed and she flicked her wand at the karaoke machine without a word. 

  
_You're so vain, you probably think this song is about you,_   
_Don't you? Don't you?_   


The last notes had barely faded away when someone gently unwrapped Lily's fingers from the mic. She looked up, startled, into the face of Post-Hogwarts James. 

"Don't worry, Lils," he said with a winning smile. "I get the point." 

"No spoilers," she whispered, blushing. 

"Of course not, Love." 

"You have to admit," Reunited Sirius commented, "he matured well." 

"Let's bring the tone back to earth a little," Post-Hogwarts James said. "Life's not all fun and games when there's a war on. I hope a certain lovely lady here tonight knows I can take things seriously." 

He blew a kiss to Post-Hogwarts Lily, and she reached up and pretended to snatch it out of the air. A baby with hair as dark and curly as James's was cradled in her arms. 

  
_You cannot stand what I've become,_   
_You much prefer the gentleman I was before._   
_I was so easy to defeat, I was so easy to control,_   
_I didn't even know there was a war._   


"Good choice," murmured Lost Years Remus. "The foreshadowing almost makes me shiver." 

By the end of the song, James's gaze had moved from his wife to Post-Hogwarts Peter, sitting beside her. As if in a daze, he stood up. 

"I have a song I'd like to do," he said, voice cracking. Dark mutters came from a few corners of the room as he stepped timidly onto the stage and cleared his throat. "I know what I am," he said quietly. "You don't have to tell me." His voice quavered at the start, but grew stronger and surer with each verse. 

  
_I told my mother, "Mother, I must leave you._   
_Preserve my room but do not shed a tear._   
_Should rumour of a shabby ending reach you,_   
_It was half my fault and half the atmosphere."_   


Finding few friendly faces in the audience when he had finished, Peter fled the stage to sit at the Slytherin table with a pretty, dark-haired woman whom Reunited Remus recognised as Madeleine Yaxley, a Slytherin girl Peter had dated when they were at school. 

"Two Leonard Cohen songs in a row," smirked Reunited Sirius. "You can tell this is your collection." 

But Reunited Remus was not listening. He sat up straighter as a tall, handsome, grey-haired man swept dramatically onto the stage, swathed in billowing black robes and tight leather trousers. A troupe of Death Eaters, including Lucius Malfoy and Bellatrix Lestrange, followed him, eyes hungrily fixed upon their leader. 

"This is so wrong," Reunited Remus murmured. "Voldemort shouldn't be -- _hot_." 

"I want those trousers," sighed Reunited Sirius. "And are those sequins on his robes?" 

Voldemort smiled seductively at the audience. "A few of you here tonight know of the power I have to offer those who champion my cause." His voice was deep and smooth. "Those who also know me as 'Dr Tom Love' know that there are other benefits to being on my good side." He winked broadly at Post-Hogwarts Peter, who blushed. "This song is dedicated to my most loyal, luscious followers." 

  
_The world is not enough,_   
_But it is such a perfect place to start, my love,_   
_And if you're strong enough,_   
_Together we can take the world apart, my love._   


"At least it's not Cohen," said Reunited Sirius. 

"Thank you, friends," Voldemort bowed. "Anyone wishing to find out more about the delights that await them in a life of service to the pure-blood cause may join us for the after-party at my penthouse. Bathing suits in the jacuzzi are, of course, optional." He swept from the room, his entourage in tow. 

One slight, dark-haired figure was left on the stage when they had gone. 

Reunited Remus stared in confusion. "Is that you, Padfoot?" 

"What? No, that's my stupid kid-brother, Regulus. What is he doing here?" 

The song Regulus sang was not about the glory of the pure-blood cause. 

  
_I fought in the old revolution_   
_On the side of the ghost and the King._   
_Of course I was very young_   
_And I thought that we were winning;_   
_I can't pretend I still feel very much like singing_   
_As they carry the bodies away._   


"Sounds like maybe Regs wasn't so stupid after all," said Reunited Remus. 

"Yeah, maybe," Reunited Sirius replied grudgingly. "Little good it did him." 

"Enough with the bloody Cohen, already!" someone shouted. 

"All right, all right!" said Reunited Remus. "I won't bring so much Cohen next time." 

Reunited Sirius flashed him a toothy grin. "There'll be nothing left but Queen if you do that." 

Reunited Remus stuck out his tongue. 

"Don't stick that out unless you're planning to use it, Moony," Reunited Sirius said, waggling his eyebrows suggestively. 

Reunited Remus could not resist leaning in for a kiss. 

They were interrupted by a broken sob from across the table. Post-OotP Remus had his arms around Lost Years Remus, looking strained and making shushing noises, patting him awkwardly on the back. 

"I hate AU," Lost Years Remus sobbed. 

Hermione glared at them. 

"Why does she keep doing that?" Reunited Sirius whispered, guiltily disentangling himself from his boyfriend. "For that matter, why is she sitting with us?" 

Reunited Sirius shrugged. His eyes were back on the stage, a look of dawning horror on his face. Reunited Remus followed his gaze in time to see Regulus step off the stage and into the arms of Severus Snape. 

"What in Slytherin's pants --?!" gasped Reunited Sirius. 

"Look away, Sirius," Reunited Remus admonished gently. "It's not canon, remember? Just fangirls playing around." 

Reunited Sirius shuddered, shoving away from the table and standing abruptly. "Do you want a drink? I need something to wash the taste of my brother snogging Snivellus out of my mouth." 

Apparently a few of the other Siriuses were much of the same mind. As Reunited Sirius headed to the bar that had been set up on one side of the Great Hall, Sixth Year Sirius took the stage again. 

"Well, that was revolting. My own flesh and blood. Come up here with me, Moony, and help me forget." He flashed Sixth Year Remus a grin that made Remuses all up and down the Gryffindor table sigh with nostalgic longing as the music began to play. 

  
_The full moon is calling, the fever is hot_   
_And the wicked wind whispers and moans._   
_You got your demons and you got desires,_   
_Well, I got a few of my own._   


The two boys' eyes never left one another as they sang. The hunger that burned there was so apparent that the audience felt like intruders. When the song finished, they did not return to their seats, but left the hall, giggling, arms around one another. The eyes of all the other Remuses and Siriuses present followed until the doors closed quietly behind them. 

Their Post-Hogwarts counterparts replaced them on the stage and began crooning a romantic number to one another as Reunited Sirius returned to the table, arms loaded with drinks. 

"What did I miss?" 

The three Remuses sitting nearby cleared their throats and crossed their legs, blushing. 

Sirius laughed. "That good, eh? Let's see, now ... firewhisky on the rocks all 'round for the Moonys, and _ooh!_ A sexy little umbrella drink for me!" 

The other two Remuses muttered their thanks, not quite meeting his eyes, but Reunited Remus shook his head, smiling. 

"You and your girly cocktails, Padfoot." 

"I assume by 'girly', you mean 'colourful and delicious', Moonbeam," he said, fluttering his eyelashes absurdly at his boyfriend. 

Post-Hogwarts Remus and Sirius finished their duet and followed the example of their Sixth Year selves, departing the hall, hand in hand. 

Reunited Sirius chuckled. "Two guesses where they're off to." 

"With so little fanfic being written this weekend, the sets will mostly be available. People can take their pick," said Reunited Remus with a shrug. 

Reunited Sirius threw him a wolfish grin. "Is the library claimed yet? I know how that place excites you." 

"We're not leaving yet, Padfoot. Not while a pack of drunken wizards is cavorting around my expensive karaoke machine. Now, are you going to sing with me, or am I doing a solo number?" 

Reunited Sirius twirled his little paper umbrella thoughtfully. "I feel like being serenaded tonight. Sing to me, Moony. And maybe I'll sing for you later, when we're alone," he added with a wink. 

"Are you sure you trust me to pick a song?" asked Reunited Remus. "I might choose more Cohen." 

"It's your collection," Reunited Sirius smiled. "Pick any song you like." 

Reunited Remus returned the smile fondly and stepped onto the stage, taking the microphone in hand. 

"This song is very special to me. It always makes me think of a certain person who is very dear to my heart. For several years, I didn't think I would ever have the chance to sing it to him, but sometimes the impossible happens, and leaves you feeling like the luckiest person on Earth." 

  
_Ah, the moon's too bright,_   
_The chain's too tight,_   
_The beast won't go to sleep._   
_I've been running through these promises to you_   
_That I made and I could not keep._   
_Ah but a man never got a lover back,_   
_Not by begging on his knees,_   
_Or I'd crawl to you baby,_   
_And I'd fall at your feet,_   
_And I'd howl at your beauty_   
_Like a dog in heat,_   
_And I'd claw at your heart,_   
_And I'd tear at your sheet._   
_I'd say please, please._   
_I'm your man._   


When the song finished, Reunited Remus yielded up the mic to Lost Years Remus and returned to the Gryffindor table as his younger self began a raw, drunken version of the Rolling Stones' _Paint It Black_. 

"That was lovely," Reunited Sirius said, greeting him with a kiss. "But are you sure it's a good idea to let this one sing? It sounds like he should be tucked up in bed, sleeping it off." 

"You want to try telling him 'no'? I remember what it was like, being him." Reunited Remus nodded towards the man on the stage, whose cheeks were stained with angry tears. "That's me without you." 

  
_Maybe then I'll fade away and not have to face the facts._   
_It's not easy facing up when your whole world is black._   
_No more will my green sea go turn a deeper blue._   
_I could not foresee this thing happening to you._   


"My poor Moony," said Reunited Sirius, kissing his forehead. "That settles it; I'm never letting you out of my sight again." 

The rage seemed to leave Lost Years Remus as the last notes of the song died away. He subsided onto the edge of the stage, looking lost. Post-OotP Remus, who was every bit as inebriated, had to clumsily extract the mic from his fingers before beginning his own weepy rendition of Queen's _The Show Must Go On_. 

"He's not suggesting that we'll split up, is he?" said Reunited Sirius, appalled. "Because that's never going to happen." 

Reunited Remus did not answer. He could see for himself that the Sirius who sat beside him was the oldest one in the room, but that might only be because the older Siriuses were busy tonight. Reunited Remus tried to recall if he had ever met one. 

"Clear the stage!" groaned a Ron Weasley. "We've heard enough of your bloody moaning for one night. And the next person who sings something by Leonard Cohen will get that microphone shoved right up their --" 

"Ronald!" snapped the Hermione sitting beside him. 

Reunited Remus and his Sirius hastily removed the drunken Remuses from the stage as the grumbling audience echoed Ron's sentiments. Reunited Remus awkwardly slung the lightly snoring Lost Years Remus over his shoulder, while Reunited Sirius took the bewildered Post-OotP Remus by the arm and gently led him off stage, depositing him back in his seat with a pint of water and a, "there you go, mate." 

When Reunited Remus returned from finding an empty guest room for his Lost Years self to sleep it off, he took one look at the stage and groaned. A huge, hairy form was mincing back and forth, gruffly and monotonously chanting some of the words to _Bad Moon Rising_. 

"How long has that thing been up there?" 

"Too long." Reunited Sirius rolled his eyes. "It's already mangled _Born to be Wild_ , but no one wants to tell a werewolf where to get off." 

"This is just embarrassing," sighed Reunited Remus. 

When the song finished, he hurried up to snatch the mic out of the werewolf's claws before it could think of another song it almost knew. "Thank you for those beautiful renditions of two classic songs. But I think it's past time we yielded the floor to the younger generation. Anyone?" 

"I'll go," said the Hermione who had been sitting near them, shooting a poisonous glance at Reunited Sirius. 

Puzzled, Reunited Remus handed over the mic to her, and returned to his place beside his boyfriend. 

Hermione's adoring eyes never wavered from Reunited Remus as she sang. 

  
_If you wanted the moon I would try to make a start,_   
_But I would rather you let me give my heart_   
_To Sir with love._   


"Well, that explains a lot!" laughed Reunited Sirius. "Are you sure you wouldn't rather go home with her tonight, Moony? She seems awfully keen." 

"Very sure," Reunited Remus scowled. "You're all the trouble I need." 

Reunited Sirius grinned. "I'm glad to hear it." He drew Remus close for a passionate and theatrical kiss. 

A stifled scream of annoyance sounded from the direction of the stage, and the song broke off abruptly. Quick footsteps were followed by the slamming of the hall door, but Reunited Remus was too busy to take much notice. 

By the time they broke apart, a different Hermione held the microphone. She was joined on the stage by Harry, Ron, Neville, Ginny, and Luna. 

"That was embarrassing," the girl declared. "And might I just add, completely OOC. As if canon doesn't make it obvious from the start who I'll end up with." 

The tall, red-haired boy beside her looked smug. 

The six teenagers broke into a rendition of the Beach Boys' _Wouldn't it be Nice_ , casting occasional shy, affectionate looks at one another. 

"That's interesting," Reunited Remus commented, as Harry and Neville exchanged a bashful glance. 

"I guess they haven't fixed the water," Reunited Sirius laughed. 

"Eh?" said Reunited Remus, confused. 

"Prongs used to say that there must be something in the water, and that's why almost everyone at Hogwarts is gayer than a jar of billywigs. That is, they are if you believe the fangirls." 

Reunited Remus wrapped an arm around his boyfriend's waist, pulling him closer. "Whether it was the water or not, I've no complaints." 

Hermione and her friends were followed by an unfamiliar girl. She had piercing violet eyes and waist-length black hair with shimmering streaks of purple and silver. Somehow, she managed to be both thin and voluptuous, and wore a glamourous, figure-hugging outfit which accentuated curves in all the right places. 

"My name is Marvola Arwen Raevyn Yvette Salazara Umekiko Elfynchyld n i wanna dedicate this song 2 my 2 bffs, Hermione Guinevere Electra Jasmine Granger-Malfoy n Ginevra Aurelia Ophelia Miranda Weasley-Zabini. Makeover party 2nite in the Gryffindor dorms!" 

Ginny and Hermione exchanged a baffled look. "Those aren't our names." 

The strange girl did not bother with a wand, but started the music with an elegant flick of her fingers, calling up the element of karaoke to do her bidding. 

  
_I don't care what my teachers say,_   
_I'm gonna be a supermodel..._   


"You invited a MarySue?" asked Reunited Sirius in disbelief. 

Reunited Remus shrugged. "She overheard me asking the Harrys. You know how her lot tend to hang around outside those boys' dressing room. It seemed rude not to invite her as well." 

"I'll never understand why fangirls write characters like that," said Reunited Sirius, shaking his head. "Do they really think anyone wants to read about them?" 

"Maybe," said Reunited Remus, "but I think it's more to do with wish-fulfillment. They want to be a part of our stories, and they want us to love them as much as they love us. They're harmless enough. If you think about it, it's sort of flattering. At least this one isn't after you." 

"As if I'd give her a second look when I have a sexy wolfman here with me," Reunited Sirius grinned. 

"You've never had to play straight?" asked Reunited Remus curiously. 

Reunited Sirius blushed. "Once or twice. I have a straight counterpart, of course. But when he has the day off, sometimes one of us has to stand in for him." 

"I had to shag Lily once for a story," admitted Reunited Remus. "It was awkward." 

"At least you never get paired with your own family." Reunited Sirius shuddered. "Apparently Blackcest is gaining in popularity." 

Two young red-haired men leapt onto the stage, terminating this disturbing line of discussion. One of them grabbed the mic while the other stood by, grinning. Both bowed, as if to vast applause. 

"Thank you! Thank you!" declared the one holding the microphone. "We are Gred and Forge, live for one night only at the All-Hogwarts Fandom Karaoke Night. We would like to share this sobering little number with the younger members of the audience, to remind them of certain matters which must be treated with due seriousness." 

"This song," added his brother, "is dedicated to all the hundreds of children which fangirls have attributed to our loins over the years, even though we are usually much too busy inventing things to shag anyone." 

  
_Every sperm is sacred!_   
_Every sperm is great!_   
_If a sperm is wasted,_   
_God gets quite irate!_   


When the song finished, they bowed again, thanking the audience. "Remember, folks: Weasleys' Wizard Wheezes, at 93 Diagon Alley, serves more than just your casual amusement. We have a complete line of contraceptive charms and potions in all your favourite flavours. Do your part to prevent MPreg, and keep the MarySue population under control!" 

Reunited Sirius looked horrified. "Is that something we ought to worry about, Moony?" 

Reunited Remus gave him a wolfish grin. "I'm just trying to picture you in maternity robes." 

"What, and spoil my girlish figure?" preened Reunited Sirius. "If anyone is giving birth, it's you." 

"Not if you don't want wolf cubs, it isn't. You do realise that if I got up the duff, we'd end up with a litter of six or so." 

Reunited Sirius's eyes widened. "I thought that was just a myth. That settles it. I'm stopping by Diagon Alley tomorrow." 

Two boys took the stage, one with platinum blond hair, the other dark and brooding. Bolts of passion and hatred flashed between silver eyes and green. It was clear that they were within moments of committing violence or some public indecency, but it was unclear which. A throbbing, suggestive beat suffused the air. 

  
_You let me violate you, you let me desecrate you,_   
_You let me penetrate you, you let me complicate you._   


When the song finished, the two boys began necking passionately. 

"I think I'm gonna be sick!" gagged another Harry from the audience. 

"For once, I agree with you, Potter," another sneering blond youth declared. "I can't bear to watch another second of this filth. Crabbe, Goyle, we're leaving." 

A few other Dracos, with their various cronies, and several disgusted-looking Harrys joined the exodus. A number of Rons and Hermiones looked at one another, shrugged, and followed. The pair who had inspired them also departed, shedding clothing along the way, managing somehow to find the door even with their mouths still locked together. 

"Uh-oh," muttered Reunited Remus, catching sight of the black-haired pair now stepping onto the stage. 

  
_Sometimes I feel I've got to_   
_Run away - I've got to_   
_Get away - from the pain you_   
_Drive into the heart of me..._   


Reunited Sirius looked horrified. "No. They can't -- _no_." 

"I'm afraid so," sighed Reunited Remus. "Snarry is actually a very popular pairing." 

"I won't have it," said Reunited Sirius faintly, but he made no move to stand. "I won't have that filthy, greasy pillock putting his hands on my godson!" 

"Or _vice versa_?" Reunited Remus raised an eyebrow. "You want to try telling them that?" 

Reunited Sirius slowly wilted onto the table, face hidden in his arms, as the Snarry duo finished and departed, followed by all the remaining Harrys, Rons, and Hermiones, who looked distinctly ill after what they had just witnessed. 

"If you thought that was bad," said Reunited Remus, voice tight with embarrassment, "you might want to close your eyes for this." 

"Eh?" Reunited Sirius looked up. Confusion, suspicion, and finally horror suffused his face. "That's _you_ , Moony." 

"It's _not_ me," insisted Reunited Remus. "It's one of my counterparts, favoured by the Snupin shippers." 

"What's a 'snupin'?" Reunited Sirius asked incredulously. 

"Er -- that is." Reunited Remus waved a hand at the two men currently singing _Two Out of Three Ain't Bad_ to one another. 

"Great buggering Hippogriffs! He has his hand on your arse. I'll kill him." Reunited Sirius half-rose from his seat. 

Reunited Remus pulled him back down. "It's just fanfic, Padfoot," he said gently. "A figment of some teenage girl's imagination. No one is suggesting that it's canon." 

"If it's not real, then why do I have to see it?" Reunited Sirius grumbled. "The thought of that greasy git putting his hands on you makes me ill. You've never had to stand in for that one, have you?" 

"I haven't," Reunited Remus assured him. _Not yet, anyway,_ he amended silently. 

Once the Snupin pairing departed to partake of activities neither of the Reunited pair cared to contemplate, Reunited Sirius looked around the room. "At least it doesn't look like there's anyone vomit-inducing left, thank Merlin. Any chance we can go soon?" 

"Soon," Reunited Remus promised. "I think things are winding down." 

Only a few dozen people remained beneath the enchanted ceiling of the Great Hall. The Jameses and Lilys had all left long since, either for their own private trysts, or to put various little Harrys to bed. The Death Eaters, too, had gone, perhaps to take Lord Dr Tom Love up on his penthouse jacuzzi party, leaving the Slytherin table empty. At the Ravenclaw table sat a few members of the Hogwarts staff, though Dumbledore and a roaring-drunk Hagrid had joined an odd assortment of characters, including Werewolf Remus, at the Hufflepuff table. A few Order members were still present, clustered around the middle of the Gryffindor table, talking and laughing over drinks. Alastor Moody sipped from his hip flask while his magical eye roamed the room. The Weasley twins shared a joke with a flushed and giggling Tonks. 

Arthur and Molly Weasley were the next to approach the stage. They cast one another loving glances, holding hands as they sang a soppy duet of _As Time Goes By_. The song brought a tightness to Reunited Remus's chest, and he squeezed his Sirius's hand, silently praying that they would have as long and as loving a union as the Weasleys enjoyed. 

An altercation broke out near the stage as the song finished. 

"The hell you will!" declared Minerva McGonagall imperiously. "The song was my idea, and I'm going to shing -- er -- sing it." 

She wrenched the mic away from Sybill Trelawney, who could not hold on both to it and to the half-empty bottle of cooking sherry in her other hand. Reunited Remus leapt up to diffuse the situation before something could happen to his expensive sound equipment. 

"Now, ladies --" 

"She wasn't going to do the shong!" screeched Trelawney. "She said sho!" 

"Well, I've changed my mind, haven't I, Sybill?" Professor McGonagall smelled like a distillery. 

Suddenly, much to Reunited Remus's relief, Dumbledore was beside him. "Is there any reason why you cannot sing the song together, Minerva, Sybill?" 

The two women glowered at one another, but nodded reluctantly. 

"All right," said Trelawney, "but I get to do the intro." 

"Fine," spat McGonagall. "I hope you choke on it." 

Even in her sherry-soaked state, Trelawney seemed to recall most of the words in the right order. When the music began, the two women forgot their differences, and belted out the chorus, arm in arm. 

  
_It's raining men! Hallelujah!_   
_It's raining men! Amen!_   


Afterwards, Trelawney handed the microphone down to a minuscule figure, and let McGonagall help her back to her seat. 

The house-elf wore a tea cozy on its head, brightly-coloured mismatched socks on its feet, and in between, a red and gold "I Love Harry Potter" tee-shirt. 

"Dobby would like to dedicate this song to Harry Potter, greatest of all wizards," it squeaked into the mic. "If not for Harry Potter, Dobby would not be a free elf today, singing to other great wizards, like equals!" 

  
_I'm too sexy for my hat,_   
_Too sexy for my hat, what do you think about that?_   
_I'm a model, you know what I mean..._   


The elf strutted and gestured and shook his little tush on the catwalk. He seemed to be having great fun. 

"Even Snivellus would be too sexy for that hat," Reunited Sirius laughed as they applauded the elf's performance. 

"Dumbledore's up next," said Reunited Remus. "This should be good." 

"Is that the Sorting Hat he's wearing?" asked Reunited Sirius incredulously. 

Dumbledore beamed at the few remaining audience members from beneath the brim of the patched and ragged Hat. When the headmaster raised the microphone, a split opened above the Hat's brim, forming a mouth. 

"I usually do my singing solo and _a cappella_ ," it said, "but tonight Albus and I would like to do a little number for you. This is an old favourite of ours." 

  
_Spring was never waiting for us, girl._   
_It ran one step ahead_   
_As we followed in the dance_   
_Between the parted pages and were pressed_   
_In love's hot, fevered iron_   
_Like a striped pair of pants._   


Reunited Sirius gave a bark of laughter. "I suppose the night really wouldn't be complete without it." 

Reunited Remus nodded, grinning. "It's such a dreadful song that it's actually sort of wonderful, isn't it?" 

Dumbledore swept the Sorting Hat from his head, and bowed low to the smattering of applause. "Thank you, friends, for this opportunity to spread a little happiness. And now I believe we have one last song for you this evening. Gerald?" 

"Gerald?" Reunited Remus and Sirius looked at one another in confusion. "Who's Gerald?" 

With a sticky, popping sound, a figure detached itself from the Ravenclaw table and squelched its way to the stage. The giant squid extended a tentacle and delicately plucked the microphone from Dumbledore's hand. 

"Thank you, Albus." Its voice was smooth and cultured. "My very dear friends, I have been at Hogwarts longer than any of you know. I have watched you come and go, learn and grow. I've seen you alone on the shores of my lake, casting stones of bitter disappointment. I've seen you hand in hand, falling in love for the first time. In allowing me to observe your lives, you have given me so much. Thank you for allowing me this opportunity to give you something in return." 

It reached a tentacle towards the karaoke machine and pressed a button. There was a loud _zap!_ The lights flickered and died, and the scent of fried calamari filled the air. 

"Oh dear," said Gerald's voice in the darkness. "I -- ah, seem to have -- hmmm. Yes." Then, very quietly, "Bugger." 

"Now," sighed Reunited Remus in resignation, "we can go."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All lyrics included in this story are the property of various artists and recording companies.
> 
>   
>  **"KARAOKE NIGHT" PLAYLIST**
> 
> Sixth Year Marauders - _Joy to the World_ by Three Dog Night  & _We Are the Champions_ by Queen  
>  Sixth Year Lily - _You're So Vain_ by Carly Simon  
>  Post-Hogwarts James - _There is a War_ by Leonard Cohen  
>  Post-Hogwarts Peter - _The Traitor_ by Leonard Cohen  
>  Sexy Voldemort - _The World Is Not Enough_ by Garbage  
>  First War Regulus - _The Old Revolution_ by Leonard Cohen  
>  Sixth Year Remus & Sirius - _One of These Nights_ by The Eagles  
>  Reunited Remus - _I'm Your Man_ by Leonard Cohen  
>  Lost Years Remus - _Paint It Black_ by The Rolling Stones  
>  Post-OotP Remus - _The Show Must Go On_ by Queen  
>  Werewolf Remus - _Born to be Wild_ by Steppenwolf  & _Bad Moon Rising_ by Creedence Clearwater Revival  
>  Teacher Crush Hermione - _To Sir With Love_ by Lulu  
>  Dumbledore's Army Gang - _Wouldn't it be Nice?_ by the Beach Boys  
>  M.A.R.Y.S.U.E. - _Supermodel_ by Jill Sobule  
>  Fred & George Weasley - _Every Sperm is Sacred_ by Monty Python  
>  Drarry - _Closer_ by Nine Inch Nails  
>  Snarry - _Tainted Love_ by Soft Cell  
>  Snupin - _Two Out of Three Ain't Bad_ by Meatloaf  
>  Arthur & Molly - _As Time Goes By_ by Herman Hupfeld  
>  McGonagall & Trelawney - _It's Raining Men_ by the Weather Girls  
>  Dobby - _I'm Too Sexy_ by Right Said Fred  
>  Dumbledore & the Sorting Hat - _MacArthur Park_ by Jimmy Webb*  
>  Gerald the Giant Squid was planning to sing _Bridge Over Troubled Water_ by Simon  & Garfunkel
> 
> * _Richard Harris, who portrayed Albus Dumbledore in the first two films of the Harry Potter franchise, recorded the most well-known version of this song in 1968._


	3. Canon

They did not, in the end, visit the library that night. It was very late and they were both drowsy and longing for the comfort of a soft bed, in addition to one another's arms. They found what they craved in the rooms Remus had occupied during his brief tenure as Defence Against the Dark Arts master. Alone together, with nothing but skin and breath and touch between them, Remus hoped Sirius would forget all the strange sights that had so disturbed him that night. 

After they made love, lulled by quiet contentment and the nearness of his beloved, Remus had almost drifted into sleep, when a soft voice in the darkness whispered, "Moony?" 

For a moment, he contemplated not answering. It had been a very long night, involving firewhisky, more than enough drama, and far too much dubious singing. But he could not, in good conscience, allow the worry in Sirius's voice to go unanswered. 

"What's the trouble, Padfoot?" 

"I was just thinking about something you said tonight." 

His uncertain tone filled Remus with tenderness. Sleep could wait. He could afford the few moments it would take to allay whatever fears had beset his lover in the darkness. 

"What did I say tonight, Love?" 

"You said -- about canon. Not to worry about things like Snivellus shagging Harry or -- or -- touching you, because it's not canon." 

Remus gathered Sirius into a reassuring embrace. "It's just fangirls, Padfoot. Some of them have odd tastes, that's all. It's nothing to trouble yourself over." 

"I know," said Sirius slowly, weighing his words, "but Moony, do you ever worry that -- that maybe _we're_ not canon either?" 

That brought Remus up short. The thought had honestly never occurred to him. Whatever the other Remuses might do, it did not matter, because _he_ was real -- he and Sirius. Weren't they? 

"I've never thought that," he said with conviction. "Not for a moment." 

"You're sure?" 

"Does it really matter, Padfoot?" Remus asked softly. 

"Maybe. I don't know." Sirius's hands pressed against Remus's chest, feeling the beat of his heart. "I guess it doesn't. I mean, we're here, aren't we? We're together. And we've just had some really fantastic sex. It just made me sad to think that maybe there's a real Moony and Padfoot who aren't us and don't have this -- who maybe never found love at all. How much more terrible would our lives have been -- everything that's happened -- if we didn't have this?" 

Remus's arms tightened around Sirius, pulling him close. He was suddenly more aware of the feel of Sirius's skin against his own than he had been half an hour before, when they were making love. How dear Sirius was to him. How precious. How empty his years of playing roles on his own had been, while Sirius was cast in the dramas of Azkaban. How alone he would be if he ever lost him again. 

"Think of it this way, Padfoot," he said kissing the curve of an ear. "There are what? Three and a half thousand pages of canon? And we turn up in maybe ten percent of it, if that. There are a few looks and touches, certainly, a few hints of intimacy, but you're right that there isn't much evidence of more implied in the text." 

His hand traced the groove of Sirius's spine to give his arse a tender squeeze, and their lips met in a long moment of silent understanding. 

"But that isn't the only place we exist anymore," Remus continued. "We exist in the hearts and minds of fangirls everywhere. They are the ones who will give us the story we deserve: a little romance, a little happiness. Because of their devotion, the tiny fraction of canon that was our first home is now only the smallest part of our existence. What we have is real, not because of canon, but because the fans _want_ it to be real." 

Sirius snuggled closer against his shoulder with a sigh. "You're right; canon doesn't matter so much to us. Thank you, Moony." 

"Do you think you can sleep now?" 

"I'll try." 

Remus had almost drifted off again when Sirius said, "Moony?" 

"What is it now, Padfoot?" 

"If what we have is real because the fangirls want it --" 

"Yes?" 

"Does that mean Snivellus is really shagging Harry, too?" 

Remus sighed. "Yes, Padfoot, I'm afraid it does, and you'll just have to learn to live with it."


End file.
